I feel utterly pathetic
I was doing pretty well? Atleast id like to believe so? Have i been overdoing myself? i thought i took plenty of rest?
All it took was a phone call, yesterday. My Grans been in the hospital for more then a month now, Yesterday she let me know she will need surgery again on the 8th of december. I barely remember what she said or why, something about her knee disk not being in the right spot? It takes like 3 weeks to heal so she wont be home for christmas, who knows if she will be here for new year. I woke up, picked up the phone, and then turned around, had a solid 30h of sleep.
The exhaustion is back. I feel like crying, as in physically i feel it in my face but nothing comes out. My head is filled with anxious thoughts "not again". Im so scared and alone. My friends offer help but what could they do? Im isolating, i dont wanna talk to people bc i know i dont have any patience and might get frustrated.
I had a deadline, i knew for a lil less then 3 months. I wanted to make lil plushie designs and get them actually made as a lil plushie. I was the one who asked to do a group order. I ended up not finishing it. I looked at the file a second ago and i just dont have energie. Im exhausted
When my granpa was in the hospital for periods of time, i could share "the misery" with my Gran. But i cant now, i dont wanna make her more worried. I dont find talking about my feelings with friends help. Not that its their fault, but i just dont like reactions like "im sorry/im here for you/" ect. I understand, i do the same to others. You wanna show that the person can rely on you, your there for them in their time of need ect. But words feel empty? I dont find it comforting, when im in an especially bad mood it kinda just makes me angry. I dont know why, i know they have the best intention. Its not that i dont wanna share, i just wish i could have a conversation about it? Like i have with my Gran. I express my sadness and she listens and talks about how that makes her feel (the topic). I dont seek advice. But i feel like its mostlly just venting. Wich im doing here, except here i know and dont expect and answer. And i gues im scared that when i tell them i just wont get an asnwer. Like
After writing thqt i hung out with friends in vc and played minecraft. I felt better...