I got a letter in the mail that at the end of december my monthly wage will be stopped and ill have to find a job.
I felt something heavy in my stomach and throat. I was expecting this letter sooner or later. But i still feel devastated by it. My first thought was "im tired..." not sleep tired, just mentally and physically.At least they gave me time to be able to do something. Im greatful and fortunate to have several contacts and sources that can help me.
Im disabled, im diagnosed with autism and depression (tho the depression might as well be autistic burnout, who knows). Im not diagnosed but im curtain i have adhd and dyslexia asewel (i dont really see the need in spending time or money on a diagnosis for these bc as an adult i doubt itl do much). I also have severe social anxiety but im unsure if you can get diagnosed for that? It sadly pairs with me being anti-social aswel. Im in pain 24/7, not excruciating! But its always there. Headache, hips, legs, feet, back... today my toes??? That was a new one lmao. Im Hyper flexible, have thin and stretchy skin, ive dislocated my knee disc... so i have a suspicion of Ehlers danlos syndrome. Also not a life threatening thing but im allergic to dust mites LMAO, But it causes me to have alot of ear infections.
Im among the majority of autistic folks who cant hold a job, ive been devastated by that fact and often go down in anxiety spirals due to it. When i tell somebody i dont have a job their tone changes. They then expect im studying... But no im not. They then attempt to suggest things to me. When i try to let them know that im not looking for one i feel it... that judgement. Bc i dont "look" disabled, yet im "weird". Their immediate thought is that im lazy, taking advantage of something?? etc etc etc
When i graduated highschool at 20 i had plans. I wanted a short term job (a few years max) to earn money, and get an internship in a tattoo shop. Alternatively a job in a print shop seemed nice aswel as ive done multiple internships during school. After i graduated i took a 2 month break, i was used to that and thought i deserved it for graduating. I then applied for a job coach, he helped me make a cv, formulate letters, he helped me practice interviews, etc. I applied to so many jobs... Only one replied that i was allowed an interview (turned out it was like rly hard to reach with public transport, aka my only way of transport). Slowly years of constant masking and ignoring pain caught up with me. I got so bad that at 21 my job coach told me i had to stop looking for a job and instead fix my health (both mental and physical). Thanks to my job coach he got in contact with somebody who works for like government but is in charge of overseeing jobs? idk what its called. Anyway i had several appointments with her and she was the reasen i was able to get a monthly wage.
I then started going to my first rehab, it was ambulatory with a focus on getting a job afterwards. Horrible decision, it took me all my energy getting there, and then EVERYTHING was in group. As you know i have social anxiety... i was just masking on mass, constantly anxious. It didnt help me at all. I got recommended to go to a rehab where id stay for a few month. I first was against the idea but after the passing of my dog i realized i had nothing really holding me back. My final straw was when a supervisor told me i should "try harder" bc i asked for a day home. I felt so hurt and had to hold back tears. How can i try harder if the bare minimum is too much? But people dont seem to understand that i simply dont have that energy?
I had to wait several months and in 2023 i started the new rehab. Its my fault, i should have asked for much more information on what kind of therapy id be getting. But i was in such a low point in my life that i felt lost and just wanted something to help. So sadly yet again all therapy was in groups... Not everything was bad tho. I learned some tips, food was pretty nice... i did learn that my main problem is masking. Also the supervisors helped me be able to get diagnosed as autistic for a much cheaper price. I did get covid and had to stay in my room for 14 days. Ppl asked me how i survived that... but i was thriving.
My whole life ive been telling people that i dont enjoy doing things with people that arent my friends or close family. "But thats not normal" is mostly what i get as answer, but i DONT CARE!!! i feel constant anxiety and feel no need to be social with people outside my bubble, It takes all my energy and i dont enjoy it in the slightest! I dont know why people have this inherit need to force me to!
The best thing to come out of rehab is my auticoach. He gets me, he is actually able to help and he does not force me to socialize. He understands that me being anti-social is NOT a "problem" i want fixed and neither does he insinuate that its a problem for me. People are so hellbent on me needing to socialize that they dont get that i have all my social needs met with the people i know, but he does!
Absolute saint of a man (i have his contact saved w a jesus pic in my phone LMAO). He understands my social anxiety and has gone with me to get papers etc. While also trying to slowly ease the anxiety (ive improved alot!)
Anyway, i havent seen him since i had top surgery just bc i didnt had the need to... well until now. Ive contacted him about the letter, hopefully he gets back to me soon